Mike Lauer as Forever Alone
Michelle Glavan as Overly Attached Girlfriend
It's obvious I live a better life than you, what do you do?
Suck the soul out of anyone that dates you?
Look at what I've done without a leash, I'm big on Sims 1 and Sims 3.
I only drink socially, 40 years clean, I got a lot of friends, DVDs,
You live with the rents? I bought me a big ass house.
It was haunted but the ghosts moved out.
What you know about tiles, what you know about grout?
I'm a homeowner kid, take a time out.
No don't, I got a confession to make
I'm only doing this gig for one thing,
Not to win this battle, to have your heart,
To have and hold, till death do us part.
Seriously? This is a joke, there's not even vacancy in the friendzone.
You think you have a shot with me? Ha, you haven't even been boned!
And I already got a Soul, bitch thanks to Kia,
You got a one night stand, at IKEA.
Want likes and views? Get me in a pic,
You're as popular as a stick!
I don't spit or swallow, I save
You think I want you? I already got a slave.
You make daily runs for Jergens and Vaseline,
Carpal tunnel on your wrist, dirty magazines.
You smell like a fart, Bush's Beans,
That dog would piss on your recipe!
Your hideous and get laid less than Yoda,
Here's a paper bag, your head looks like a scrotum!
We could play freeze tag in the park and cook hot meals together,
Lay down in our front yard, and gaze at the stars forever.
Let's grow old together, together forever.
Tell our grandchildren stories, as you suck on my lever.
Cause if you're a stick, I'm a stick, let's start a fire.
Put my condoms in the freezer so they never expire.
It will take a few hours to thaw out this frozen rubber,
Don't worry bout another girl, except for my mother.
What girl? The one you beat every time you clap?
Your head's a ballsack, your song was crap!
Here's the sad fact, just do the math. See son,
You got 99 problems but a bitch will never be one.
Subtract friends, subtract family, add a sad display of emotion,
Times that by no girlfriend, don't you see, your answer always comes out to be hand lotion.
Grandkids? There will be no fruit of your loins! You want head? Flip a coin!
You want insurance? Move to Des Moines! If life was fair, you'd be destroyed!
If this was Star Wars, you're forever a drone. Starbucks, forever a scone.
What I'm saying is you're forever unknown, Now go to your chateau and die alone.